Forgetting to Forgive

Maybe you have heard the idea that we should “forgive and forget.” The idea that if someone hurts us we should forgive them and if we keep remembering the infraction then we really have not forgiven someone. So we must forget. Until we forget the infraction we have not forgiven.

There is so much written about how this understanding of forgiving is just flat wrong. If we forget then we are at risk of being hurt in the same way again. In fact, it makes the forgiveness even more powerful if we do not forget the infraction. This is where stories of forgiveness are the most powerful. When someone who remembers the infraction but still extends forgiveness it is a powerful witness.

This is not a post about how forgiving and forgetting in this way is harmful (it is). This post is a call to actually forgive and forget. However the greater question is what are we to forget? I would submit that we are to forgive and forget but not forget the infraction but forget something else.

What are we to forget?

An elephant never forgets…

When I was a child and watching my children now, I observe that when there is a pain or a hurt there is a reaction that happens. It is the same reaction that can be observed in adults in different environments: revenge. The revenge reaction is strong in many of us, so strong in fact that we have to be taught that punishment needs to fit the crime. If someone hits you in the face, you don’t get to cut off their arm. That punishment does not fit the crime. So we have to learn the “eye for an eye” ethic. And therein resides what we need to forget.

We need to forget our desire for revenge.

Forgiving and forgetting is the practice of forgetting our revenge ethic so that we can find how to forgive. We cannot forgive while we still remember our desire for revenge.

Perhaps in this way we can say we are forgetting to forgive. Not that we are one’s who do not remember to forgive but that we are ones who know that we need to forget something on the way to forgiveness.

Remember, do not forget the wrong thing.

The Temptation to Eradicate Inefficiency in the Church

The allure of the Silicon Valley approach to life is that we can eradicate the inefficiencies of life, moving us to a friction-less society. They build apps and technologies that make things as efficient as possible. You don’t have to go to a bank to get cash to pay someone, just use the app to transfer money. There is no need to go to call an order in, just use the delivery service app. There is no need to answer the door, just look at your phone when the visitor presses the doorbell.

The inefficiency of the labyrinth walk, mirrors the inefficiency of Grace

The stereotype of the socially awkward computer person who would dream of a world where you don’t have to engage with people, but only a computer is not very fair to many computer people to bring us together. However, there is something to a world that values efficiency to such a high degree that we ought to consider why this is.

One can easily imagine that if the rest of our world places such a value on efficiency, it is not a wonder that we would desire the same for the Church.

In the Church the primary justification to work on efficiencies is a matter of being a good steward of resources. And of course the Church needs to be faithful stewards of resources given to the Church. These are noble efforts to be sure. However, being efficient runs directly into another value in the Church: Grace.

Grace is anything but efficient. God’s grace is prodigal. It is abundant. It overflows. It gluts the market, if you will. This amazing grace is not measured out in efficient doses. Grace is messy and gums up the wheels of the efficient.

The temptation to eradicate inefficiency in the Church is a temptation to limit grace.

Church people often say we want to become more understanding, more patient, more forgiving. The things you find inefficient in the Church you are opportunities to practice the very virtues we claim we want.

Communication is slow? Patience.

Too many meetings? Understanding.

Too much conflict? Forgiveness.

Being inefficient is not an excuse to neglect communication or a reason to remain opaque. Churches need to be clear in communication and as transparent as morally possible. Be careful of the temptation to eradicate inefficiency in the Church for we may unintentionally erase the inefficient Grace of God.

It is a Feature Not a Bug - Conflict in the Church

The most naive among us, believe that the Church is conflict free, or if there is conflict then it is minimal and quickly resolved. This is not the case.

It is sometimes the case that people will work in the Church and see the “other side” of things and decide to leave Church. Others are victims of the conflict within Church, and this is painful. Still others seek out Church conflict because there is something about the conflict that they are addicted to or get some need met by being a part of the conflict.

The truth is conflict is universal and unavoidable. There is not just the conflict we have between one another, but we also have internal conflicts. Conflict is nothing to be ashamed or afraid of.

The Church understands that with conflict there is the chance to practice reconciliation, forgiveness, listening, compassion, mercy and justice. Without conflict the Church cannot practice these things. And like all other parts of our lives, the things that we do not use, atrophies and dies.

What is remarkable about the Church is that it sees conflict as a feature of the institution, and not a bug.

Some worry that too much conflict for too long will lead to a sort of war. The assumption is that war is the ultimate form of conflict. We have been taught to think this is the case. However, comedian Dylan Moran makes the point that war is not ultimate conflict but it is the inability to have conflict. Moran’s point is that waging war means you would rather have the other person dead than have conflict with them. War is not the ultimate conflict, it is our inability to have conflict.

What if by refusing to be in conflict we are not choosing peace. What if it means that we are choosing war? If we believe that it would be better (more peaceful) when the “other side” is gone, then are we engaged in a sort of ecclesial war?

Conflict is the feature we have in the Church that gives the chance to practice repentance, mercy, forgiveness and justice. Taking the conflict away may not lead us to the peace we say we desire. It may lead us marching into war.

Living My Future Self Now

There are many self-help and self-improvement advocates out there lauding the ways we can live our best life now. I don’t know about any of that, but what I do know is that we can live our future selves right now. At least in one way - forgiveness.

Think back to when you were a child and made a mistake that you have some amount of shame or embarrassment about. Many times we look at that act and forgive ourselves because we were just “dumb kids” doing things we did not think through very well. We can be quick to forgive children because children often do not know any better.

As you think of that memory and extend kindness and forgiveness to your past self, take note. Because your future self will be as forgiving to your present self, in the same way that your present self is forgiving my past self.

When you were younger you might have even thought that your future self would forgive your actions/behavior. And so, forgiving your past self in the present means you are living you (previous) future self now.

All of this to say that your future self will be as forgiving to your present self as you are presently forgiving your past self. And so give yourself a break and know you can live your future self right now by forgiving present self.